


Axes and Conkers

by darth_stitch



Category: The Hobbit (2012), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Bilbo falls liek a ton of bricks and he's protesting all the way, First Meeting, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Romance, Slash, Thorin Oakenshield Professional Life Ruiner
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-03
Updated: 2013-03-03
Packaged: 2017-12-04 05:05:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/706889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darth_stitch/pseuds/darth_stitch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There was no way Bilbo Baggins was going to fall for this Walking Disaster of a Dwarf.  No way in hell.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Axes and Conkers

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: J.R.R. Tolkien owns this and a good part of my soul. Peter Jackson finished the job.

The first thing that Bilbo notes, which is definitely not going into his book, was that Thorin Oakenshield was ridiculously, _ridiculously_ good-looking. 

No, he wasn’t going to write this down, because it would confirm to anyone reading it that he was on the verge for falling arse over teakettle over this Dwarf, which must rank, quite highly, in the Great List of Very Bad Ideas. 

And of course, the Dwarf is quite rude, standing in Bilbo’s very own home, thank you very much, and stating all sorts of nonsense about Bilbo’s non-existent weapons expertise. 

The Dwarf is a Walking Disaster of a Sentient Being, really, Bilbo knew he _should_ have better hobbit sense than this. 

But the _second_ thing that Bilbo Baggins notes about Thorin Oakenshield is his _voice_ , because somebody with a voice like _that_ ought to come with _some_ warning, for the sake of the sanity of people everywhere. Bilbo loves music and he’s quite, terrifyingly aware, that if this Dwarf should ever make the mistake of raising his voice in song, poor Bilbo would be quite, irrevocably lost. 

The Hobbit wonders if he ought to chance getting turned into a toad by Gandalf by kicking the Wizard in the shins for bringing this Absolute Princely Dwarven Disaster into Bilbo’s life. 

And by some miracle or perhaps Bilbo is just born lucky, he manages to concentrate just long enough for Thorin’s question to register in his mind.

“…axes or swords? What is your weapon of choice?” Thorin asks. 

There is really only one sane reaction to that. 

Bilbo drops his own voice in a not-so-subtle mockery of Thorin’s own majestic baritone rumble and he is pleased to note that he doesn’t miss a beat as he answers, quite pertly, “Well, I do have some skill at conkers, if you must know, but I fail to see why that’s relevant.” 

“I thought as much. He looks more like a grocer than a burglar.”

Rude, arrogant, oh, this Dwarf wasn’t just a Walking Disaster - he was a _Catastrophe_. _See?_ Bilbo’s sensible Baggins side tells him quite sensibly. _Put that sudden attack of tweenage twitterpatedness out of your mind immediately._

But of course, Thorin, life-ruining bastard that he is, decides to end this Absolutely Deplorable Evening, by singing of his lost homeland and as Bilbo ruefully guessed, the Dwarf’s voice raised in song is _glorious_. 

Bugger all this, Bilbo thinks quite ruefully. It looks like he’s going on an adventure after all. He really ought to remember to pack his towel. 

***

**Author's Note:**

>  **Note:** This is my headcanon for that entire first meeting of Thorin and Bilbo in the movie. Because Bilbo is a sassy little thing and I chortled out loud when I caught him trying to do that Thorin impression and THIS is the result. Y’all can’t budge me. 
> 
> Originally posted on [The Blanket Fort - Darth Stitch on Tumblr](http://darthstitch.tumblr.com/post/43969306039/axes-and-conkers-the-first-thing-that-bilbo)


End file.
